**Disclaimer– If you are prepared to read these words with an open heart and open mind, free of egoic identification, I believe you will find the following article to be healing at many levels. However, if you come to this article with your egoic mind already made-up, I kindly ask you to stop reading for anything that challenges your ego will only cause you pain and suffering and you will interpret this article as a personal attack on all your ego holds dear.
I am someone who has had to deal with the nagging self-doubts concerning my sexuality, off and on, for over three decades, therefore I can relate to any of you reading this who may be experiencing similar questions surrounding how you define yourself sexually. Over the past 30 years I had never wanted to face these uncomfortable feelings that I knew were always lurking in the background of my psyche. Furthermore, what made the issue even more confusing to me was that I had never wanted nor did I ever seek out a “homosexual” experience. That said, I insulated myself from having to face the entirety of my sexuality by going into denial, which means I self-identified as a “heterosexual”. This label allowed me to function throughout most of my adult life with relative security knowing that my sexuality was being safely locked behind an image created for me by society.
Yet with all the psychological blocking and gimmicks I had created for myself, I still was not able to shake the feeling that I might still be “gay” deep inside my psyche. This was really disturbing me, and of course I never said anything to anybody for fear that their opinion could influence me, thereby calling into question everything that I had been working so hard to believe about myself. Therefore I carried on living like this from girlfriend to girlfriend until eventually I got married. And, even though I was married and having a great time with my wife, the self-doubts would inevitably re-enter my mind intermittently throughout my marriage.
Then, one day, it happened. I decided, for the first time in my whole life, to actually step up and get out of my “comfort zone”. I decided to take charge of myself and my life and told my wife at the time that I wanted to leave the marriage. She was shocked and angry and I was both stunned by my courage and scared about what the future may hold for me. However, this was the all important first step that I took to bravely and independently move forward on my journey in life without any of the physical and mental safe-holds I had created to keep myself secure psychologically.
The aftermath of my decision left me heart-broken, terrified, lonely and vulnerable to all of my deepest darkest fears, but I knew somehow that this was exactly what I needed to do to clarify within my self exactly who “I” was and what I was made of, literally and figuratively. This is also the point in my life where I decided to step up and confront the many fears that were dogging me regarding sex and my own sexuality.
So as I was learning to stand on my own two feet and truly “separate” myself and my life from those around me, I was slowly but surely beginning to get in touch with who this person named Steven Andre was. I have learnt since then that this separation process is absolutely necessary as I had become so immersed and enmeshed with my environment over my life that I never really had the chance to see who I was without all those psychological constructs holding me up, so to speak.
I decided that in order to really understand who I am I had to set about distinguishing my false-self, aka the ego, from my authentic self. This is where the first steps deep within my psyche led me to the conclusion that I had to quit masturbating. Yes, masturbation, as everything I was so terrified of revolved around sex I figured I had to abandon this habit if I had any chance at facing my fears. I was using masturbation as an escape mechanism. True, I was not an alcoholic nor have I ever done drugs or smoked, but I did masturbate nearly everyday and many times more than once a day. This really was the biggest most important decision I have ever made so far in my life and one that I hope the readers of this blog will heed themselves since it ultimately leads to self discovery. How, you may ask? Please keep reading.
I was learning about sexual energy through alchemy and how vital it is to our well-being both physically and psychologically. I learnt that all the great masters of the past had practiced something called chastity, which is to say the retaining of sexual energy by means of never spilling the seed. Do not be confused between the terms chastity and celibacy as they are different. Chastity allows one to engage in the sacred act of sex, but only with your one true beloved and no one else, and certainly without indulging in the orgasm or ejaculation. Celibacy relates mostly to religious monks, nuns and priests who pledge to never engage in sex ever again. Obviously one can see the huge difference between the two terms and the utter damage done to many souls due to the latter form of sexual abstinence.
I committed to becoming chaste as an experiment to see where this path could lead me. In the midst of this all important decision I was feeling brave enough now to confront my personal issues with sex and whether or not I was “gay” for once and for all. I decided I would just let God decide as I knew I was too overwhelmed and confused over this question. I started receiving messages about not fearing your authentic self over and over again, which actually made me more afraid because I would debate in my head whether or not my “authentic self” was “gay”. I was freaking out but still learning to surrender to Divinity. Then, one day, within only one week of quitting masturbation, I met my beloved and I knew God was giving me my answer through this person because I fell head over heels in love with her so completely and unconditionally that I had never experienced something so sublime in my entire life.
Insights about Sexuality: Balancing the Two Poles
I has been a year now since I have met this amazing person and there are many lessons that I would like to share with you regarding my personal insights into the question of sexuality. The first thing I have learnt is that we are all walking around with both the masculine and feminine principle or polarity active in our hearts, minds and bodies. No incarnated soul on this planet can escape this fact. Therefore, it is incumbent upon all of us to acknowledge this phenomenon working on our hearts, minds and bodies at every second of the day so that we can begin to understand where we might have an over emphasis; be it too much masculine energy or too much feminine energy.
Once we have begun to see where and how our feminine and masculine energies might be out of balance, we can begin to work on bringing them more into harmony within our hearts, minds and bodies. This takes much mental work, therefore it is absolutely necessary to retain your sexual energy. Why? Simply stated, this supreme expression of the “God force” in the physical form of the spermatozoa in men and the ovum in females, is the divine elixir of life, which means LOVE, and has all the potential to bring our beings back into balance if we understand how to work with these forces properly.
The Power of Choice
As I was retaining my sexual energy I began to notice how my masculine and feminine polarities were influencing my psychology. I immediately realized that I had an over emphasis of the feminine principle within my mind, heart and body, which led inevitably to questions about my sexuality. As I accepted this fact, it empowered me to gain more knowledge about myself and what was driving me to make the choices I had been making up until that point in my life. I came to the very firm conclusion that everything was a choice in my life, and in everybody’s life for that matter. This was my “eureka” moment as I now felt so empowered because I had been the one holding all the keys the whole time, which meant I could now decide my own destiny. We should never underestimate the inherent power in the many choices we make in life, especially because so many choices are being made for us, either by society, our karma and, of course, our subconscious desires.
We choose everything in our lives, whether we wish to acknowledge this fact or not. Based on our karma we chose our parents. Based on our family and society we have chosen our belief system. And while we certainly cannot change who our parents are or what we look like, we can however, once we attain some consciousness of ourselves, choose what we want to believe or think about our self. The only problem with wielding free-will is that we have an in-born ego to make our choices all the more difficult. Our egos are a product of all our past thoughts, feelings and actions in past lives and this current one, in other words, our karma. When one reflects deeply on karma we inevitably realize that at the heart of all our thoughts, feelings and actions is the question of our sexual energy and how we have misused and abused this sacred force. Therefore, I would argue, based on my personal experience, that the root of all our questions regarding our sexuality lies in the fact that our karma is one hundred percent responsible for how we have used our sexual energy in this lifetime.
Masturbation, heterosexuality and homosexuality are all choices we make based on our karma. In fact, I would like to share some important lessons I have learnt regarding masturbation. Until I gave up masturbating, I never knew how it was damaging my heart, mind and body. For example, when we stop masturbating, especially as men, our endocrine system begins to resettle into balance allowing for the seven chakras to work more harmoniously. Our minds become much clearer, giving us the ability to discern better who we are and what we really want out of life. We gain much more self-confidence and better intuition, which opens us up to our authentic self.
As a side note, I have experienced all of the above and more, the benefits of abstaining from masturbation far outweigh whatever society has been indoctrinating us about the so-called benefits of wasting our sexual energy might be. Furthermore, and most importantly, let me add that the few times I have fallen back into masturbating, all the past self-doubts about myself came flooding back in, including questioning my sexuality. Whereas, after some time of not masturbating passed, all fears and confusion about my sexuality completely ceased because I knew deep down in my heart, mind and body who I was and what was my ultimate truth.
Learning to Accept
Accepting responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions is never easy, especially when we do not want to believe certain aspects about our self that we know deep down are true. Along my path I have been forced to accept responsibility for many many things that still hurt me today, but I had to accept the results of my decisions because I made my choices with free will. This concept of accepting includes the question of our sexuality. We must admit to ourselves that perhaps we made the choice to be “gay” out of fear of the unknown in relating to the opposite pole in the physical form of a male or female. I know this to be true because it is the probably the number one reason why I had struggled so much with my sexuality throughout my life.
I understand very well how scary it can be to face the reality that our whole life has been one massive lie in which we chose to live in the illusion that we were making the right choices for ourselves. However, I would submit that all of the so-called “gay” people in existence today are simply hiding from their true selves out of fear. I know this from experience because I have seen how every soul on this planet is hiding from their authentic self out of fear of the unknown. The irony is that once we find the courage to admit that we have led ourselves astray, we can begin to look into the mirror and get a clearer of image of who we are and what we really need to do in order to correct our past mistaken identifications. One step at a time we remove the layers of ego in order to find our real self!